i have so much i want to say, but this'll do for now

Letting people into my world is something that I have a difficult time doing. 

I'm good at telling my story. I'm good at removing the emotion from the words. I'm good at that, and I don't think that's, well... good. 

You see, I have this fear of being hurt. I fear that if I let my guard down, people will see me for the hodge podge mess that I am. I fear they'll decide my life isn't for them to invest in. I fear that if my reality alters their reality- in any way- I'm the one to blame. I fear that it'll be held against me at some point, maybe even years down the road. 

I am afraid of feeling vulnerable. So, I don't. 

I'm at a crossroads. 

Relationships. They are about being transparent. About being a real person. Authentic and vulnerable.  They're about investing TIME and ENERGY. They're about tearing down the facade. Iron sharpens iron, no? It's about living intentionally. Loving well. 

I'm wrestling with some stuff. I don't quite know how, but I'm working my way out of this box.

To: Josh

Soo, it's been a year and a half(two days ago) and not a day has gone by that Trey hasn't talked about you. He's so curious to know you as well as he possibly can. He'll do something that makes me laugh and says, "Did my daddy do that, too??" with a giant grin on his face. He thinks motorcycles are awesome, but has a healthy fear of riding them. He is frickin' the FUNNIEST kid. He'll be in trouble - make a goofy face or say SOMETHING hilarious- I'll try not to laugh and in a crazy voice, he'll say, "It worked.". You would get the biggest kick out of who he's becoming! He's JUST like you. A mini Josh.

He's learning to cope with not having you here. It's not easy, but we're getting into a rhythm. As difficult as it is- his sweet heart knows that you're COMPLETELY out of pain. No more back pain, no more achy screws in your knees- although, you could always tell when a storm was coming! Haa. I've told Trey about how your knees would ache. He wants that "power" someday. Don't worry, I told him it wasn't fun to have achy, hardware filled joints! I only know because of what I had experienced vicariously, through you.

Trey wants to be Batman when he's a grown up. Just something I thought you should know. He wants to defeat bad guys, like Joker and Harley. (he plays Batman 2 on his DS. Like a pro) He still loves Scooby Doo and STILL has the Scooby Doo costume that he wore on your last Halloween (2010) together. Sometimes he even begs me to put it on him. Ahahaha! It's funny because he's a GIANT 4(almost 5)yr old. It didn't even fit him a year and a half ago, when we picked it up from the little house. A little perspective for you, an 8year old from church had a birthday party last week and I realized that Trey stands about an inch taller than him. Crazy. Jake is 8, too. He and Trey are *almost*, but not quite, eye to eye. He's gonna be a beast.

Anytime the Seahawks come up in conversation, he talks about the time you took him to a game. He also tells me that he wants to be a Seahawk when he's older. He wants everybody to watch him play. I'm not sure how I feel about contact sports, though...(the injury thing). I *know*. Stop being such a mom! I can't help it! I don't want to watch my baby suffer concussions, BROKEN NOSES(that was your thing), punctured lungs... No thanks. Instead, I'll just tell him stories of you jumping out of 20ft tree's onto trampolines and SIMULTANEOUSLY breaking your nose and knocking yourself out. I'll tell him stories of how you would convince your mom to buy your favorite chips at the grocery store by POPPING the bag so she would have to. I'll tell him stories of your ability to make ANY line from any movie hysterical. I'll tell him how you would make up songs for him to try and calm him down when he was fussy. I'll tell him how you would call him your sweet buddy boy. And I'll tell him how your face would light up when you'd look at him. How he was your absolute, most favorite person in this ENTIRE world. And you were very much his. You still are. A year and a half later, we are here. We are learning to cope, but you are still very much a part of our lives. We're moving on, but NOT without you. So much love.

processing slowly.

I am still, slowly learning to "trust the process" as well as Gods timing. I have no idea what He has up His sleeve for my little family-- but I know it's what's best for us. The process is grueling, but I think it has potential to be worth it. I could be way off. I'm choosing to stay optimistic! He'll bring me someone that REALLY wants to PURSUE me. Just me. Someone that will love me with every ounce of his being. Someone that will love my boys as if they were his. Someone that's willing to walk along side me everyday no matter what kind of crazy happens. My life is unique and NOT simple. It's going to take a special kind of person to embrace the quirks. {yep, I'm exhausted and trying to convince myself that this is all possible. Knew you'd catch on. Delirious Angela is writing-- coherent Ang will probably delete this tomorrow.}

"Far far greater things ahead than ANY we leave behind."

Trusting the process. Living intentionally. Loving WELL.

give me vision

Over and over, I am reminded that God is in control. Often, the reminder comes in times when I feel like an island.

The spirit of Christmas is upon us. I absolutely love this time of year. The air is FILLED with magic! The lights throughout the neighborhood, picking out the perfect tree, drinking hot spiced cider{with whiskey- duh}. There is an undeniable feeling of pure JOY that takes over in December.

However, there is always a "yin" to the "yang". The holiday's in our house, come with heavy hearts. As the decorations come out of the closets, we find them safely tucked away with the belongings of loved ones. Letters, ornaments, pictures, ball caps - even our classic Christmas movie collection is a heart wrenching reminder. SO much of what once was, and what will never be again. Someone told me that the second year would be harder than the first. They were right.

My heart aches. It aches because I want to protect my kids from the pain they feel. I just want to be able to tell them that everything will be alright, and actually have it FEEL alright. To me, nothing of their little lives seems fair. A lot of the unfair is my own, selfish fault -- but the most recent of which was completely out of my control. I daily have to remind myself, that even in THIS- God has a plan. HE is in control. Especially when I'm feeling like an island. Isolated.

I've learned that in times such as this, He is teaching me the most. This is when He is making me into the woman that He has designed me to be.

This lyric resonates in my mind as I type:

"God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. You're where my help comes from. Give me wisdom -- you know just what to do."

I don't have a happy, "and then the bright Christmas light appeared making everything dandy" ending for this one, yet. I'm still an island. But I'm choosing to be a content island. I am content. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do.

Timing is Everything. Balance is Key.

Balance, like a peacock in the wind. So important. HA.

I know that God has such a great man for me. I just know it. What I am learning is that I haven't met him because it's not the right time. I need to keep reminding myself that I won't have to push to make it work. When I meet him, our lives will just fit. Like a puzzle piece. He'll want to make time to spend with the boys and I - doing things that we do on the daily. It'll just work. It won't be forced or uncomfortable. The truth is, I have this full time "job" at home. I'm busy with my kiddo's all day. It's both physically and emotionally draining! By the time evening comes around, and normal people my age get off work to do what they do - I'm ready for bed. It's hard enough to make it out for my growth group once a week! Dating is burning the candle at both ends, to me. So sorry, but I don't want to touch it with at 20ft pole. I've tried before, and it just doesn't work. One area of my life, or another ends up being neglected. I love going to concerts (something that I will still occasionally do -- meeeh... at least once a month...) and I love hanging out with friends (another thing that I will continue doing...), but the bars and the singles life is not for this mama! Also, I'm not that great with small talk... I'm either real awkward talking about the weather or food... or I'm real awkward and jump into heavy conversation. Which isn't nearly as welcome as I would *hope*. Really, a lose/lose situation! I just know what I'm looking for - and I'm getting my priorities in line! This girl's on a mission to find, what I like to call balance! By building boundaries and sticking to them. Because I will have healthy relationships. Oh, yes. I will. }}now I'm dropping the mic{{

Tunnel Vision?? Nah, I Just Need to Get it Off My Chest.

Eclectic.

My life has been less than conventional, wouldn't you say?! Well, my dating life would be equally as eclectic, in many ways.

If I am going to date someone -- I have GOT to see where my boys and I fit into their life. I can't be going out 4 nights a week. I can't date someone that has every second of his time filled with activities. My kids and I have a routine(kids need that). My kids pay attention to when I go somewhere. They pay attention to when I come home. They notice when I'm feeling off, or sad. Dating - That. Seems. Impossible. And I'm sure this sounds oh so trivial. But this is what I'm thinking about right now, and it just seems impossible. {No - this is not all I think about. But right now, I need an outlet. I apologize for spilling this on you.} I don't even know if I'm there. I might not be ready for dating. That's a scary thing. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 5 years. I don't know how this works. My life is: food, laundry, school, sleep - repeat. I guess if I were to start 'officially dating' (which I won't anytime soon) I would start off with a one night out a week, thing. If I feel like he meets my criteria -- maybe I'd introduce him to my kids. He would have to be really amazing and God would have to be telling me that this guy's worth hanging around.

And release.

process

One of my friends posted to Facebook today, "Trusting the process...". This statement is so rich and wise. I'm learning to trust the process that God has laid out for me. The path is narrow, and it's so easy to get sidetracked. I've said it before, but I'm so used to taking matters into my own hands and making decisions that in hindsight I "regret", to some extent of the word. I do not regret the process and I do not regret where I am because of my decisions -- I regret not letting God take the reigns. I regret stepping on the people I did because of my selfish desire to figure out my plan on my own. I regret feeling broken, and isolating myself because I thought I could fare without. But boy, I so do not regret what I know now. The last year has been difficult - and I am so thankful that He's not finished with me. Far greater things ahead than the things we leave behind, right C.S. Lewis?