show me how to love like You have loved me

I know that one day God will bless me with a partner in this life.

I know that there will be prospects and that I have been given the gift of discernment for a reason. I have been given freedom of choice, like everyone else- and I know that loving someone isn't about a feeling, but about making a choice. I think that over the past several months, through different people, God is showing me who I truly desire that person to be. Not showing me as in, "I can point him out to you- his name is Allen...". He's slowly revealing to me the qualities and character of the man that I want to choose to spend my days with- and I hope and pray that he'll want to choose me, too!

I was at dinner with a good friend not too long ago, and he said something to me that struck a chord deep in my heart. He said something that I will not soon forget. Something that I will hold close and place near the very top of my "check list" of what I want in a partner.

I had just finished telling this friend that sometimes I think that I'm ready to find that person- but when there's "real" potential {probably mostly imagined potential...} I freeze up. I create a barrier because I'm terrified that this potential person- after putting time and energy into a deep meaningful relationship- will decide to stop loving me. I'm terrified of being left alone.

We've both had a fair amount of heartache in this life, and we both know what it is to be truly broken- so when he said what he did- I know it to be genuine.

My friend first told me that we're designed for companionship. It's part of the process to becoming like minded. God created relationships so we could become more like Him- giving us the opportunity to daily choose to love. Even when we don't feel it. He told me that I was not made to parent on my own. That does not mean that it can't be done. There are so many people that have done it, and are doing it alone! But parenthood was not designed for one.

A little further into the conversation he told me how his experience of heartache had a ripple effect on almost every relationship that he had built over the course of his entire adult life. Relationships that he had once thought would not be effected beyond repair were now a memory. And then, this. What he said next was so simple, but I will never forget how raw and genuine his words were. He said something like this, "When I hear that my friends are splitting up- I get sad. I can't explain it. Inside I ache because I know. I know that it doesn't only effect the two that are splitting- it divides everyone. It just makes me sad."

That. I want that kind of a man. One that takes on the character of God. I want someone that practices stepping outside of himself to look at the bigger picture.

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Show me how to love like You have loved me."

It's something that I've known all along- that I desire to be with someone with a heart that seeks God. But hearing what was said with the emotion behind it helped me to realize that God does have that kind of a person for me. And that there are men out there that are actively pursuing a life that pleases God. A life rooted in love. He's out there. I know it.

titleless. raw.

I don't want it. I absolutely do not want to date. I don't think it's fun at all. I suck at small talk. I share heavy things right away. Part of me is hoping to scare {figurative} you away. Because, if {figurative} you is not serious- I don't want it.

I "joined" match.com last spring for a one month trial. Aaaand I hated it. Obvi.  I don't like it for so many reasons- but the biggest reason is how authentic it is NOT. You are not a real person. You are a profile. You're religious. You're divorced. You're widowed. You're athletic. You're packing a few extra pounds. You're tall or short. You're only interested if this profile claims a yearly income of over X amount of dollars. I. Hate. It. Either that or you're bio is completely overlooked because of the photos you've posted- good or bad. Could go either way. {for the record- I shut it down. I couldn't do it anymore.}

I don't want to live underneath any of these labels. And it sucks. Because I do. We all do. I'm the girl who dropped out of high school and got pregnant. I'm the girl that's raising her two boys- boys who have different fathers- alone. The girl that has a hard time saying that she's widowed because her and her husband were separated for a year and a half before the accident. But she says it anyway, because it would weird to say anything different. But it's still weird to say. The girl who, at the very moment that she heard about the accident, had instant regrets of how she handled her marriage. The girl that writes blog posts about uncomfortable things that people maybe don't want to read! The girl who, literally, walked out of the 3rd crossfit class that she had ever taken and never looked back. I don't want it. I don't want any of these things to define me- but to some, they do. 

I just want life to be more organic than that. I want people to be genuine with me. I just want to be known as a person. A girl who's broken in some areas and strong in others. I want to learn things from other people, but only if they're ready to share. Not forced. I want it to be raw- not scripted. I'm open with people about tough stuff because I feel like making myself vulnerable makes me human. I want to hang out with people because I enjoy their company- and I want that to be reciprocated.....

That's all I've got. Thanks for reading!!

This life. (begun January '13 || completed August '13)

This life will never be easy. Everyday, we're faced with new challenges. Sometimes our struggles are temporary, a one time deal. Other times, the struggle repeats itself over and over again. It manifests in different, yet strikingly similar ways until we can learn from it and move forward. I'm in one of those repetitive movements. My challenge is {and I'm fairly certain often will be} learning to be content where ever I am in life. The grass will always be greener on the other side, no? But I want... And I feel like this would be good... And I need... And... Oh and... And... When really, I don't. It doesn't matter what it is- I don't. It won't. Just. Be. Content.

For some bazaar reason, recently I've tried to project what my future may hold.  It's bazaar for two reasons- one: because I'm not in any way a planner. And two: I am well aware that expectation is the root of all heart ache. It seems like an easy concept to grasp until you're in a situation that has gone in the complete opposite direction you were hoping. I've learned this many times over. But here's something that I've held onto as history has repeated itself in my life:

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24

This brings me so much comfort. Because of his love for me, I don't have to be consumed by the trivial struggles of this life. I can focus on being love. I can focus on being content. I know that I'm taken care of, no matter what. I can say that I know he has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is but I know it's a plan that's best for me, and for my boys. A plan that is far better than anything I could even dream. He's not finished with me yet. The story is only just beginning to unfold.

ritual.

Here I am. So much on my mind, yet unable to actually SAY anything. This is an attempt to get IT out of my head and into cyberland- because we all know- once it's there, a girl can rest easy. Or I'll just sit here until I get sleepy, practicing the ritual of: Type... backspace. Type... backspace. Repeat.

I would say that today, I am still struggling to trust. I am still struggling to be content.

I want so badly to be in a place where I know that God's plan is perfect. And to trust that His timing is more amazing than my own. I mean- these things I know- but I want to own them and walk confidently with that knowledge. I want to believe with my whole heart that there ARE far greater things ahead than any we leave behind.

I feel like there's a lot going on right now. {type... backspace... type... backspace...} A lot that makes it feel unlikely that the road ahead will be any different or easier than the one behind me.

For now- until I can make sense of anything happening in my life- I'll find comfort in the clicking of my keyboard. Type... backspace... Type... backspace...   ...   ...   ... 

That's all I've got.

anonymous musings from the apartment on level three

This was sent to me a few nights back, from a very dear friend. I asked this friend if I could anonymously blog it for her and she said, "Of course!". She had sat down with a pen in her hand, in attempt to chip away at a pen and ink series that she's currently working on- and this came out instead. The transparent writings, that seem all to familiar to emotions that we have all felt at one time or another. 

"Sometimes We're Broken And We Don't Know Why."

This could not be any more true to the way that I am. What has broken me? I have the most loving family. I have surrounded myself with people who know me truly; They know my strengths. My flaws. They know what I love, who I love. What makes me happiest and what triggers self destruction.

I have things. I have money. I have house plants and mugs of tea. I have a tiny apartment, with red walls and unfinished hardwood floors. A quilt on the bed, a mattress and records on the floor.

Where I once welcomed the silence of this third floor oasis, I now dread the thought of unlocking the door to these things. Because up here, things are all I have.

What is it i'm searching for? Maybe once I figure that out, I can set myself in the right direction. I've looked everywhere. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Work. Money. Other people. I can't quite figure out what is missing. But, I feel like the broken toy at the garage sale. The one that seems really cool until you take it home and try to play with it, only to realize that it is broken. Irreparable. What are you doing buying toys at a garage sale, anyways?

Until I find this evasive missing link, I will continue to convince myself that everything is fine up here, watching the sunset from my tiny apartment. Clutching my tea mug for dear life, since it's the only thing that has yet to let me down.

i have so much i want to say, but this'll do for now

Letting people into my world is something that I have a difficult time doing. 

I'm good at telling my story. I'm good at removing the emotion from the words. I'm good at that, and I don't think that's, well... good. 

You see, I have this fear of being hurt. I fear that if I let my guard down, people will see me for the hodge podge mess that I am. I fear they'll decide my life isn't for them to invest in. I fear that if my reality alters their reality- in any way- I'm the one to blame. I fear that it'll be held against me at some point, maybe even years down the road. 

I am afraid of feeling vulnerable. So, I don't. 

I'm at a crossroads. 

Relationships. They are about being transparent. About being a real person. Authentic and vulnerable.  They're about investing TIME and ENERGY. They're about tearing down the facade. Iron sharpens iron, no? It's about living intentionally. Loving well. 

I'm wrestling with some stuff. I don't quite know how, but I'm working my way out of this box.

To: Josh

Soo, it's been a year and a half(two days ago) and not a day has gone by that Trey hasn't talked about you. He's so curious to know you as well as he possibly can. He'll do something that makes me laugh and says, "Did my daddy do that, too??" with a giant grin on his face. He thinks motorcycles are awesome, but has a healthy fear of riding them. He is frickin' the FUNNIEST kid. He'll be in trouble - make a goofy face or say SOMETHING hilarious- I'll try not to laugh and in a crazy voice, he'll say, "It worked.". You would get the biggest kick out of who he's becoming! He's JUST like you. A mini Josh.

He's learning to cope with not having you here. It's not easy, but we're getting into a rhythm. As difficult as it is- his sweet heart knows that you're COMPLETELY out of pain. No more back pain, no more achy screws in your knees- although, you could always tell when a storm was coming! Haa. I've told Trey about how your knees would ache. He wants that "power" someday. Don't worry, I told him it wasn't fun to have achy, hardware filled joints! I only know because of what I had experienced vicariously, through you.

Trey wants to be Batman when he's a grown up. Just something I thought you should know. He wants to defeat bad guys, like Joker and Harley. (he plays Batman 2 on his DS. Like a pro) He still loves Scooby Doo and STILL has the Scooby Doo costume that he wore on your last Halloween (2010) together. Sometimes he even begs me to put it on him. Ahahaha! It's funny because he's a GIANT 4(almost 5)yr old. It didn't even fit him a year and a half ago, when we picked it up from the little house. A little perspective for you, an 8year old from church had a birthday party last week and I realized that Trey stands about an inch taller than him. Crazy. Jake is 8, too. He and Trey are *almost*, but not quite, eye to eye. He's gonna be a beast.

Anytime the Seahawks come up in conversation, he talks about the time you took him to a game. He also tells me that he wants to be a Seahawk when he's older. He wants everybody to watch him play. I'm not sure how I feel about contact sports, though...(the injury thing). I *know*. Stop being such a mom! I can't help it! I don't want to watch my baby suffer concussions, BROKEN NOSES(that was your thing), punctured lungs... No thanks. Instead, I'll just tell him stories of you jumping out of 20ft tree's onto trampolines and SIMULTANEOUSLY breaking your nose and knocking yourself out. I'll tell him stories of how you would convince your mom to buy your favorite chips at the grocery store by POPPING the bag so she would have to. I'll tell him stories of your ability to make ANY line from any movie hysterical. I'll tell him how you would make up songs for him to try and calm him down when he was fussy. I'll tell him how you would call him your sweet buddy boy. And I'll tell him how your face would light up when you'd look at him. How he was your absolute, most favorite person in this ENTIRE world. And you were very much his. You still are. A year and a half later, we are here. We are learning to cope, but you are still very much a part of our lives. We're moving on, but NOT without you. So much love.

processing slowly.

I am still, slowly learning to "trust the process" as well as Gods timing. I have no idea what He has up His sleeve for my little family-- but I know it's what's best for us. The process is grueling, but I think it has potential to be worth it. I could be way off. I'm choosing to stay optimistic! He'll bring me someone that REALLY wants to PURSUE me. Just me. Someone that will love me with every ounce of his being. Someone that will love my boys as if they were his. Someone that's willing to walk along side me everyday no matter what kind of crazy happens. My life is unique and NOT simple. It's going to take a special kind of person to embrace the quirks. {yep, I'm exhausted and trying to convince myself that this is all possible. Knew you'd catch on. Delirious Angela is writing-- coherent Ang will probably delete this tomorrow.}

"Far far greater things ahead than ANY we leave behind."

Trusting the process. Living intentionally. Loving WELL.

give me vision

Over and over, I am reminded that God is in control. Often, the reminder comes in times when I feel like an island.

The spirit of Christmas is upon us. I absolutely love this time of year. The air is FILLED with magic! The lights throughout the neighborhood, picking out the perfect tree, drinking hot spiced cider{with whiskey- duh}. There is an undeniable feeling of pure JOY that takes over in December.

However, there is always a "yin" to the "yang". The holiday's in our house, come with heavy hearts. As the decorations come out of the closets, we find them safely tucked away with the belongings of loved ones. Letters, ornaments, pictures, ball caps - even our classic Christmas movie collection is a heart wrenching reminder. SO much of what once was, and what will never be again. Someone told me that the second year would be harder than the first. They were right.

My heart aches. It aches because I want to protect my kids from the pain they feel. I just want to be able to tell them that everything will be alright, and actually have it FEEL alright. To me, nothing of their little lives seems fair. A lot of the unfair is my own, selfish fault -- but the most recent of which was completely out of my control. I daily have to remind myself, that even in THIS- God has a plan. HE is in control. Especially when I'm feeling like an island. Isolated.

I've learned that in times such as this, He is teaching me the most. This is when He is making me into the woman that He has designed me to be.

This lyric resonates in my mind as I type:

"God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. You're where my help comes from. Give me wisdom -- you know just what to do."

I don't have a happy, "and then the bright Christmas light appeared making everything dandy" ending for this one, yet. I'm still an island. But I'm choosing to be a content island. I am content. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do.

Timing is Everything. Balance is Key.

Balance, like a peacock in the wind. So important. HA.

I know that God has such a great man for me. I just know it. What I am learning is that I haven't met him because it's not the right time. I need to keep reminding myself that I won't have to push to make it work. When I meet him, our lives will just fit. Like a puzzle piece. He'll want to make time to spend with the boys and I - doing things that we do on the daily. It'll just work. It won't be forced or uncomfortable. The truth is, I have this full time "job" at home. I'm busy with my kiddo's all day. It's both physically and emotionally draining! By the time evening comes around, and normal people my age get off work to do what they do - I'm ready for bed. It's hard enough to make it out for my growth group once a week! Dating is burning the candle at both ends, to me. So sorry, but I don't want to touch it with at 20ft pole. I've tried before, and it just doesn't work. One area of my life, or another ends up being neglected. I love going to concerts (something that I will still occasionally do -- meeeh... at least once a month...) and I love hanging out with friends (another thing that I will continue doing...), but the bars and the singles life is not for this mama! Also, I'm not that great with small talk... I'm either real awkward talking about the weather or food... or I'm real awkward and jump into heavy conversation. Which isn't nearly as welcome as I would *hope*. Really, a lose/lose situation! I just know what I'm looking for - and I'm getting my priorities in line! This girl's on a mission to find, what I like to call balance! By building boundaries and sticking to them. Because I will have healthy relationships. Oh, yes. I will. }}now I'm dropping the mic{{

Tunnel Vision?? Nah, I Just Need to Get it Off My Chest.

Eclectic.

My life has been less than conventional, wouldn't you say?! Well, my dating life would be equally as eclectic, in many ways.

If I am going to date someone -- I have GOT to see where my boys and I fit into their life. I can't be going out 4 nights a week. I can't date someone that has every second of his time filled with activities. My kids and I have a routine(kids need that). My kids pay attention to when I go somewhere. They pay attention to when I come home. They notice when I'm feeling off, or sad. Dating - That. Seems. Impossible. And I'm sure this sounds oh so trivial. But this is what I'm thinking about right now, and it just seems impossible. {No - this is not all I think about. But right now, I need an outlet. I apologize for spilling this on you.} I don't even know if I'm there. I might not be ready for dating. That's a scary thing. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 5 years. I don't know how this works. My life is: food, laundry, school, sleep - repeat. I guess if I were to start 'officially dating' (which I won't anytime soon) I would start off with a one night out a week, thing. If I feel like he meets my criteria -- maybe I'd introduce him to my kids. He would have to be really amazing and God would have to be telling me that this guy's worth hanging around.

And release.

process

One of my friends posted to Facebook today, "Trusting the process...". This statement is so rich and wise. I'm learning to trust the process that God has laid out for me. The path is narrow, and it's so easy to get sidetracked. I've said it before, but I'm so used to taking matters into my own hands and making decisions that in hindsight I "regret", to some extent of the word. I do not regret the process and I do not regret where I am because of my decisions -- I regret not letting God take the reigns. I regret stepping on the people I did because of my selfish desire to figure out my plan on my own. I regret feeling broken, and isolating myself because I thought I could fare without. But boy, I so do not regret what I know now. The last year has been difficult - and I am so thankful that He's not finished with me. Far greater things ahead than the things we leave behind, right C.S. Lewis?

donut monday

Okay, so this weekend was so great. I was So. Busy. And there is no doubt that I am exhausted.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and my boys woke me up with the best snuggles and cards a mama could ask for. The day, as every Sunday does, started bright and early and didn't end until midnight! {I feel like this is becoming a trend for my weekends, but this weekend was exciting!} We went to church, lunched with my family, took a quick nap and went down to an Irish pub in Ballard to watch my brother sing at his first open mic! My boys and I are so blessed.

Here are a handful of pictures I snapped along the way!

Trey made the card. So sweet. And Jake saw this Hallmark flower on TV and HAD to have it for me. My heart is full.

Conor Byrne Pub in Ballard

On to TODAY...

Lots of sunshine and TONS of water. I could stay outside all day when the weather's like this.

Books {and more water} after a long day in the sun!

Clearly exhausted.

AND I'm wiped out... Although - somehow, I've managed to muster up the  energy to watch The Bachelorette... 

 The pictures are better than my tired mama words can convey! CHEERS!!

saturday

This morning I ran my first 5K! What a great feeling. There's something about running outside that wipes out all the anxiety pent up in the pit of my stomach. And to be running with other people, for such a powerful cause - for sure feeling blessed. I'm reminded daily that life is about so much more than our current struggles. If you've been on this (somewhat serious) journey with me, you've probably realized that *my* struggle is being able to let God guide me. Power struggle, if you will! I'm learning that if something or someone is meant to be in my life - God will make a way. Without a doubt! I know this is true, regardless of how often I wrestle with it.

After the run, the man cubs and I met my good friend at my favorite park in the entire world. It was the perfect day to be exploring in the Pacific Northwest. The tide was out and the sound was teaming with LIFE! Right at our fingertips - this is the best way to learn about nature. We (the boys and our friend, not I) dug up clams, we found a handful of baby starfish, about a million popcorn crabs AND I skipped my first rock!! I've never been able to do that! After exploring marine life, we went (back) up to the play ground and the boys made "sand angels" in the sand/dirt pit. They were covered in dirt and Lord knows what else...This week of decision making and to be honest, sadness, has ended on a great note. Tomorrow is Mothers Day and I am happy with the gift of love my boys have given me. They are amazing. Celebrate your mothers well this weekend.

my heart.

Sometimes, things happen that are out of our control. Things that lead us to tough decisions that need to be made. Sometimes, it seems trivial -- a little bit pointless. Sometimes, we feel thrown off by the way life plays out, no? I'm for sure in one of those seasons right now.

God puts people in our lives at different times, for different reasons. Before Josh passed away - and after we had been separated for well over a year - I met someone that made me smile, had similar interests as I did, we shared a faith and a passion for loving people for who they are... yada, yada, yada. (The stuff you don't really want to hear.) Needless to say, I grew quite fond of him very quickly. We only talked here and there for a while, but a couple months after Josh passed away, we became somewhat close. Over a short period of time our connection grew stronger, as our friendship deepened. He became someone that I could trust and really talk to if I needed - or even if I didn't want to talk, he was someone I could just be with to make it a little brighter. He would sometimes call me and take me on random adventures, burger runs, often to concerts, even putt putt golf(okay that was a one time deal). He called the store I worked at on my last day to wish me well. At that point, I knew that it wasn't by chance we had met. We never officially dated, and there was a mostly unspoken understanding that he couldn't be with me at this point in his life. Looking back, it kills me to think about. Every time we would get together, I'd think to myself, Maybe this is the day that he'll decide he wants to give it a go, or things like, I know he loves me, he just needs time to work through some things. He'll get there, I just need to give him time.  Month after month, I would feel the same. I would start to feel like it wasn't fair and then I'd remind myself that God's timing is perfect. No matter how anxious I would feel, I'd remember to turn to Him and TRUST(that word again) that He had a handle on my life. I felt as long as God was impressing on my heart to wait, I would wait. So I did. And after a period of waiting, praying, and trusting, the outcome is not how I wanted it to look. I waited until I felt God telling me to move forward. I had to tell this man that I fell in love with that I could no longer wait to be chosen from the dating pool as "the one". My intent was to never give an ultimatum. I intend on guarding my heart from breaking completely. I don't think that God intends for us to live in limbo. I believe we were made for companionship. My heart couldn't take being in limbo anymore and I feel like I was told to get out. Yes, my hearts a little bruised for now, but things that are bruised heal if we don't continue poking and prodding. All this time, I've felt like the hurt was out of my control - I would think, WHY did you bring this person to me only to keep him at arms length?! WHY am I feeling the way that I do for someone that You're going to take away?! A good friend said to me today, "God is not blind sided by the events of our life." And you know what? She's absolutely right. He knows what he's doing. I need to trust GOD with my heart. I need to FULLY give it to Him before He'll bring me to that divine person. I will continue to pray for wisdom, patience and peace as I carry on, loving the crap outa' my boys, and becoming the woman God intends for me to be! Live intentionally. Love well. 

That Word Again: TRUST

I find myself continually reminding myself to trust that God has a plan for my life - and that where He has me right now is precisely where He wants me to be. I feel like I'm constantly asking for peace and guidance, and he is constantly telling me that He's got this. He IS carrying me {and my precious boys}through what is uncertain to me.

Something that's amazing... Ready for this?! What is uncertain to me is 100% CERTAIN to God. He knows how my life will turn out - who I will end up growing old with, and the kind of men that my boys will be when they grow up. He knows where I will be in the next few months, and in the coming years.

For now, I need to focus on today and being the woman that he intends for me to be. I need to focus on putting my faith in Him. 100% committing to something that I am not 100% certain of. FAITH. TRUST.

For now, I will continue to pray for wisdom, patience and peace.

love

Love is PATIENT, love is KIND. It does not ENVY, it does not BOAST, it is not PROUD. It is not RUDE, it is not SELF-SEEKING, it is not EASILY ANGERED, it keeps no RECORD of WRONGS. Love does not DELIGHT in EVIL but REJOICES with the TRUTH. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES. 

I want to be all that is LOVE. I'm a work in progress!! I find that I'm so good at focusing on my circumstances -- what I don't have and what I desire. If I fix my eyes on God and focus on being and spreading LOVE -- I know that He'll bless my life! My new plan is to be thankful for the many blessings that I so often take for granted INSTEAD of living in a pity party! 

I'm EXCITED about the way God is working in my life. Bring. It. 

*show me how to love like you have loved me*

LOUD NOISES. {I don't know. I just didn't feel like thinking of something serious.}

Here I am. Once again - feeling like the lesson of my life is to learn to TRUST. A five letter word that seems impossible to wholly grasp. 

I've foolishly trusted. I've withheld trust. I've questioned trust. I'm hard pressed to find the formula to trust without reserve. I have been through pain. It's a feeling I know all too well - and I don't like it. {shocking, right?!} And the logic is that protecting what has been hurt is the only way to avoid more pain, no? I read an article this week speaking to the particular kind of trust that's at work in my life. You can read it HERE if you're interested. {It's worth it} This article told me to 'go all in for love'. Why the HELL would I do that?? I've tried that. It has only brought me pain. Hmm... the truth is that I've gone 'all in' for humanity. I haven't practiced going all in for the one that created me.  

 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

I don't know about your trust issues, but mine are driven by my fear. The fear that I will get hurt again. The fear that I'm not enough. The fear that I'm too much. The fear that I don't look the part. The fear that I'm not smart enough. The list goes on. Love and trust is NOT meant to be fearful. It is meant to be whole and pure. We are designed to love and trust our savior FIRST - and all else will fall into place. When I can finally do that - when I can trust Him completely with every part of my life, only then will I be able to love others the way God has designed me to. I want you to know, that even as I sit here with my giant cup o' joe, writing this - I can't wrap my brain around it. Perfect love drives out fear... Is it even possible to achieve 'perfect love'? Well no, not for us. But God loves us with pure and perfect love. Jesus set the tone by coming to earth as an example of how we should live. 

 “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:42). His whole life was dedicated to making us whole; He loved us with His mind, body, heart and strength so that we might also be able to love wholly.

Even when he knew that he was going to be murdered, He prayed to God, 'Yet not as I will, but as you will.'  Man - I'm not there, friends. That is the perfect example of trust. 

I tend to worry and 'future trip' - if you will. I let my mind race and get ahead of me. So for now, I will practice dealing with today. One step at a time. Trusting that God has a specific plan for my life. One even greater than I could imagine.

One thing is for certain - I know what I want, but knowing what I want and God's plan could be two VERY different things. Time will tell. {Or so I'm told. I'm going to trust that this tid bit is true. :)}

Knowing What's Right and Waiting With Fixed Eyes

Do you ever have the feeling that something is more than right, but you still have to wait? I have to say - when I take a step back, I KNOW that this will be worth the wait - but the waiting is not easy. I was reading Jesus Calling yesterday and this was the message:

I am above ALL things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of My Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.

Every time I open this app on my phone, it says exactly what I need to hear. That is not coincidence. Just thought I'd share. :)

fullness in the waiting

There is so much to be learned in waiting. I know that God is working in my heart and preparing me for what's to come - but I'm so anxious to get there. I guess when I finally release that sense of urgency, is when He'll bring me the desires of my heart. And when I say 'the desires of my heart' - I do not meant the fatty avocado bacon burger I've been craving for days. I mean REAL desires. To have the one I can build my life and grow old with. A home for my kids to grow up in. A dog, and a yard to weed. Bursting pipes and a flooding basement. Uprooted trees after ice storms... I want it all. - Side note: Seattle just had the biggest snow/ice storm since the 80's. Five days and two feet of snow - the ENTIRE city shut down... Pretty amazeballs. {It's important for you to know that I, in no way think that having this life will end my periods of waiting. Just to be clear.}I have been so anxious to move forward rather than enjoying where I am! Right now, I am right here. And although it is not the fullness that is to come - it's the fullness that is. And here is where I am supposed to be. Three months from now, life will likely look different than it does today. So I'm going forth, enjoying the moments I have. Loving the ones that are in my life and when the future comes, I will be ready to love it and to learn from it!