fullness in the waiting

There is so much to be learned in waiting. I know that God is working in my heart and preparing me for what's to come - but I'm so anxious to get there. I guess when I finally release that sense of urgency, is when He'll bring me the desires of my heart. And when I say 'the desires of my heart' - I do not meant the fatty avocado bacon burger I've been craving for days. I mean REAL desires. To have the one I can build my life and grow old with. A home for my kids to grow up in. A dog, and a yard to weed. Bursting pipes and a flooding basement. Uprooted trees after ice storms... I want it all. - Side note: Seattle just had the biggest snow/ice storm since the 80's. Five days and two feet of snow - the ENTIRE city shut down... Pretty amazeballs. {It's important for you to know that I, in no way think that having this life will end my periods of waiting. Just to be clear.}I have been so anxious to move forward rather than enjoying where I am! Right now, I am right here. And although it is not the fullness that is to come - it's the fullness that is. And here is where I am supposed to be. Three months from now, life will likely look different than it does today. So I'm going forth, enjoying the moments I have. Loving the ones that are in my life and when the future comes, I will be ready to love it and to learn from it!

My Portion

My life is so unbelievably rich! I have so much to be thankful for. More than I really need. But I've fallen into the habit of looking at what other people have and desiring more. The grass is always greener, no?! I have two beautiful boys that I *adore*. The support of my amazingly, unique family. I'm part of an awesome church that I feel embraced by - but there is always something just out of reach that I want. Right now, that something is my 20's. I would love to know what it's like to be 25 and care free! To go to concerts without having to wake up at seven thirty the next morning. Or having to wake up - but with the freedom to take a three hour nap later in the day. I would love to take a spontaneous road trip, or book a flight to a random far off land and stay there until the money runs out! I would love all of those things - but that is not realistic! {obviously- laughable, really!}And I'm good with that! I am LEARNING and GROWING and fixing my eyes on things above - that's really the only place I'll find fulfillment for my desires! Knowing that there is a God that loves me and fits where that missing piece is. He is my portion.

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24

cherished

I met for coffee with a mom from my sons school today. She knew tid bits of my story from brief interactions on the playground as we'd watch our kids play. Yesterday, she asked me if we could grab coffee. I of course, said yes. It just so happened that we were both free this morning.

We met and this is what I received:

'Dear Angela,

These scriptures are yours from your Father.

Zeph 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty enough to save you. He will take great delight in you. The quietness of his love will calm you down. He will sing with joy because of you."

Isaiah 62:3 & 12

"You will be like a glorious crown in my strong hand. You will be like a royal crown in my powerful hand."

"They(she) will be called The Holy People. The Lord will set them(her) free. And Jerusalem(she) will be named The City the Lord Cares About. It(she) won't be deserted anymore."

Isaiah 61:10,11

"The people of Jerusalem will say, "We take great delight in the Lord. We are joyful because we belong to our God.

He has dressed us with salvation as if it were our clothes.

He has put robes of godliness on us. We are like a groom who is dressed up for his wedding.

We are like a bride who decorates herself with her jewels.

The soil makes the young plant come up. A garden causes seeds to grow. In the SAME way, the Lord and King will make godliness grow.

And all of the nations will praise him."

The Lord delights in you, Angela, as a groom delights in his bride.

He cherishes you!

You are a gift to him.

Let his loving arms continue to hold you close to his heart- YOU are cherished.

<3 Jesus'

As this fellow mom was reading this scripture to me, I was in tears. She barely knows me and certainly doesn't know what I've been feeling for the last few months - how? Just, how?

THIS is how I know the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. In my boys lives. In my waiting. In my hurting.

Remarkable. I am so encouraged. My heart is flourishing. It's one thing to read it in a book, but to have someone say, "This is what the Lord has prompted me to tell you." I am blown away. PTL for being SO good. For cherishing me. For delighting in ME!! PTL

Wait

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet THIS I call to mind, and therefore I have HOPE: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

answers

There are times where I wonder why certain things take place. Why does that need to be 'given' and then just as quickly 'taken'. I can not, for the life of me, understand. It may build character - however, if I could be done character building for a bit, that would be RAD.

Lord, help me to be content. Mold me into what you intend for me to be. Help me to fix my eyes on YOU!

The end.

so big. so good.

My God is so much bigger than I allow Him to be.

Time and time again, I desperately try to bury my heart deep in the love of Jesus, and every time I realize that I have done just the opposite. I have barricaded my heart in my own form of protection...an electric fence reinforced by brick and extra poky barbed wire. I have put it through enough. To give it to another would be foolish. Even if it is the God of the Universe. I have JUST reached a place where it feels healed. How could I entrust it to anyone else. Relationships, in every sense of the word, are a vulnerable thing. When I say 'relationship' - by no means am I limiting this to one between a man and a woman. EVERY relationship is an investment. Whether it be a best friend, an acquaintance, a family member, a pet - you have allowed that person/thing into your life knowing that seasons change. Life happens, friends come and go - and the reality of that is sometimes it hurts.

A result of protecting my OWN heart, is a wedge in my relationship with God. It's showing Him that I don't fully trust Him with my life. When really, I wouldn't have life without Him! No joke. I want to trust that He will protect - in a sense that He'll teach me to turn to Him when I've been hurt. Sometimes being vulnerable backfires on us - to know that He's there to mend is exactly what I need.

My God has my best interest in mind. I am SO good at putting on the breaks, and shutting people out when I fear there is potential for hurt. I know that everyone that He has brought into my life plays a role in shaping the person He wants me to become! And I HAVE to trust. I have to.

Trust. Don't limit the abilities of the Creator of the Universe.

Trust

The hardest part about trusting that God has a plan, is not knowing what it is. Waiting for an answer. Faith is hard, man! I just want to be prepared. I want to  know weather the outcome is good or bad. I have no idea, and I'm TRYING to allow my guard to come down to really be vulnerable before God - to submit and show Him that I trust He knows what is best for me. For my boys. Dude, it's scary...