Wednesday, August 3, 2011

letting my hurt make me lovely

Last month, I lost someone close to me. Someone that, at one point, I called best friend. He was someone that I separated myself from - because together, we were toxic - we needed time to grow and learn by our own accord or we would drag each other down. I can not tell you the hurt that I feel. I can't tell, because I don't know how. It's something so deep, that crying doesn't always suffice. The grief comes in waves. Not what I expected. I try to put on a brave face for so many. I'm scared that because of our separation, people won't understand. It's easier to say that I'm grieving more for Trey, than for myself. That is something people understand - of course a mother would grieve for the loss that her son is feeling. But I'm going to say, my heart is hurting pretty badly for me, too. He knew me better than anyone on this earth, and I would like to say that I knew him that well, too.
It's true that our relationship was quite rocky, and virtually non-existent for the last year and a half, but the love never changed. I married him, because I loved him.
I saw him the day of the accident and he was so full of life!! Enthusiastic about everything! He couldn't wait to have both of the kids the following weekend. He talked about maybe taking them to the lake, or on a quick camping trip. Before we got in the car, he went to his bronco to get some fireworks that he set aside for the boys, pulls out 100+ sparklers and tells them "Don't burn them all at once..." and laughed the way that only he does.
There was something new about him. A light that I had noticed a few weeks prior.
The next morning, I woke up to a text telling me that he was in the ICU with damage to his brain from a motorcycle accident. Something so surreal that my mind, still, can not wrap around. After 8 days in the hospital, with many-a test and a few procedures - it became clear, that he would not survive. Husband. Father. Best Friend. Confident. Lover. THIS man, the one that had been all of these things to me and my boys - HE would not survive.
At 2:12, July 12th, 2011 - In a room FILLED with love and the Holy Spirit, Josh's earthly life ended and his life in Heaven began!! As he passed we were singing "It Is Well with My Soul" Written by: Horatio Spafford
The point of my story, is not to make you sad. I tell you because I know - I KNOW that if you are too weak to walk, *God* will carry you until you can dust yourself off and walk again. I'm a firm believer in the fact that God will NEVER put you in a situation that you can not handle (with His help).
I have no idea WHY anything happens in life, but I'm going to trust that everything happens for a reason.
My heart hurts, however, I know that God will use my hurt to make me beautiful. Life is too short. I want to live believing that it is about something bigger than myself, no?
Here's a verse I've been meditating on for the last week or so:
Isaiah 61:1b-3
He has sent me to bind up the
to proclaim freedom for the
and release from darkness the
to proclaim the year of the Lord's
and the day of vengeance of our
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve
in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.