cherished

I met for coffee with a mom from my sons school today. She knew tid bits of my story from brief interactions on the playground as we'd watch our kids play. Yesterday, she asked me if we could grab coffee. I of course, said yes. It just so happened that we were both free this morning.

We met and this is what I received:

'Dear Angela,

These scriptures are yours from your Father.

Zeph 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty enough to save you. He will take great delight in you. The quietness of his love will calm you down. He will sing with joy because of you."

Isaiah 62:3 & 12

"You will be like a glorious crown in my strong hand. You will be like a royal crown in my powerful hand."

"They(she) will be called The Holy People. The Lord will set them(her) free. And Jerusalem(she) will be named The City the Lord Cares About. It(she) won't be deserted anymore."

Isaiah 61:10,11

"The people of Jerusalem will say, "We take great delight in the Lord. We are joyful because we belong to our God.

He has dressed us with salvation as if it were our clothes.

He has put robes of godliness on us. We are like a groom who is dressed up for his wedding.

We are like a bride who decorates herself with her jewels.

The soil makes the young plant come up. A garden causes seeds to grow. In the SAME way, the Lord and King will make godliness grow.

And all of the nations will praise him."

The Lord delights in you, Angela, as a groom delights in his bride.

He cherishes you!

You are a gift to him.

Let his loving arms continue to hold you close to his heart- YOU are cherished.

<3 Jesus'

As this fellow mom was reading this scripture to me, I was in tears. She barely knows me and certainly doesn't know what I've been feeling for the last few months - how? Just, how?

THIS is how I know the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. In my boys lives. In my waiting. In my hurting.

Remarkable. I am so encouraged. My heart is flourishing. It's one thing to read it in a book, but to have someone say, "This is what the Lord has prompted me to tell you." I am blown away. PTL for being SO good. For cherishing me. For delighting in ME!! PTL

Wait

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet THIS I call to mind, and therefore I have HOPE: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

answers

There are times where I wonder why certain things take place. Why does that need to be 'given' and then just as quickly 'taken'. I can not, for the life of me, understand. It may build character - however, if I could be done character building for a bit, that would be RAD.

Lord, help me to be content. Mold me into what you intend for me to be. Help me to fix my eyes on YOU!

The end.

so big. so good.

My God is so much bigger than I allow Him to be.

Time and time again, I desperately try to bury my heart deep in the love of Jesus, and every time I realize that I have done just the opposite. I have barricaded my heart in my own form of protection...an electric fence reinforced by brick and extra poky barbed wire. I have put it through enough. To give it to another would be foolish. Even if it is the God of the Universe. I have JUST reached a place where it feels healed. How could I entrust it to anyone else. Relationships, in every sense of the word, are a vulnerable thing. When I say 'relationship' - by no means am I limiting this to one between a man and a woman. EVERY relationship is an investment. Whether it be a best friend, an acquaintance, a family member, a pet - you have allowed that person/thing into your life knowing that seasons change. Life happens, friends come and go - and the reality of that is sometimes it hurts.

A result of protecting my OWN heart, is a wedge in my relationship with God. It's showing Him that I don't fully trust Him with my life. When really, I wouldn't have life without Him! No joke. I want to trust that He will protect - in a sense that He'll teach me to turn to Him when I've been hurt. Sometimes being vulnerable backfires on us - to know that He's there to mend is exactly what I need.

My God has my best interest in mind. I am SO good at putting on the breaks, and shutting people out when I fear there is potential for hurt. I know that everyone that He has brought into my life plays a role in shaping the person He wants me to become! And I HAVE to trust. I have to.

Trust. Don't limit the abilities of the Creator of the Universe.

Trust

The hardest part about trusting that God has a plan, is not knowing what it is. Waiting for an answer. Faith is hard, man! I just want to be prepared. I want to  know weather the outcome is good or bad. I have no idea, and I'm TRYING to allow my guard to come down to really be vulnerable before God - to submit and show Him that I trust He knows what is best for me. For my boys. Dude, it's scary...

Be Content...

I am struggling in the knowledge that my baby will never know his dad to be more than stories. His little life has taken a turn that no one would have ever expected.

This is completely out of my hands. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm called to trust. To know that God's timing is perfect. To trust that even when it doesn't seem fair, it's alright.

I want to bask in the truth! I want with everything in me to be content with our{my families} current circumstances, but I wrestle with myself because it doesn't feel okay! Ya know?! And I'm learning that sometimes, that is okay.

Faith is not a feeling. Faith is believing what I can not see.

Being content is not ignoring how you feel about something. It is knowing how you feel and being okay with it. Knowing that life is composed of seasons. Some good, some not so good - but in those seasons, we practice being content.

I will practice. I will fail. And I will pick myself up, brush myself off and try again.

Life is too short, man.

letting my hurt make me lovely

Last month, I lost someone close to me. Someone that, at one point, I called best friend. He was someone that I separated myself from - because together, we were toxic - we needed time to grow and learn by our own accord or we would drag each other down. I can not tell you the hurt that I feel. I can't tell, because I don't know how. It's something so deep, that crying doesn't always suffice. The grief comes in waves. Not what I expected. I try to put on a brave face for so many. I'm scared that because of our separation, people won't understand. It's easier to say that I'm grieving more for Trey, than for myself. That is something people understand - of course a mother would grieve for the loss that her son is feeling. But I'm going to say, my heart is hurting pretty badly for me, too. He knew me better than anyone on this earth, and I would like to say that I knew him that well, too.

It's true that our relationship was quite rocky, and virtually non-existent for the last year and a half, but the love never changed. I married him, because I loved him.

I saw him the day of the accident and he was so full of life!! Enthusiastic about everything! He couldn't wait to have both of the kids the following weekend. He talked about maybe taking them to the lake, or on a quick camping trip. Before we got in the car, he went to his bronco to get some fireworks that he set aside for the boys, pulls out 100+ sparklers and tells them "Don't burn them all at once..." and laughed the way that only he does.

There was something new about him. A light that I had noticed a few weeks prior.

The next morning, I woke up to a text telling me that he was in the ICU with damage to his brain from a motorcycle accident. Something so surreal that my mind, still, can not wrap around. After 8 days in the hospital, with many-a test and a few procedures - it became clear, that he would not survive. Husband. Father. Best Friend. Confident. Lover. THIS man, the one that had been all of these things to me and my boys - HE would not survive.

At 2:12, July 12th, 2011 - In a room FILLED with love and the Holy Spirit, Josh's earthly life ended and his life in Heaven began!! As he passed we were singing "It Is Well with My Soul" Written by: Horatio Spafford

The point of my story, is not to make you sad. I tell you because I know - I KNOW that if you are too weak to walk, *God* will carry you until you can dust yourself off and walk again. I'm a firm believer in the fact that God will NEVER put you in a situation that you can not handle (with His help).

I have no idea WHY anything happens in life, but I'm going to trust that everything happens for a reason.

My heart hurts, however, I know that God will use my hurt to make me beautiful. Life is too short. I want to live believing that it is about something bigger than myself, no?

Here's a verse I've been meditating on for the last week or so:

Isaiah 61:1b-3

He has sent me to bind up the

brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the

captives,

and release from darkness the

prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's

favor

and the day of vengeance of our

God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve

in Zion--

to bestow on them a crown of

beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of

righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

angela

Kill Me Softly...

Okay... I swore up and down that I wouldn't post more vids of myself singing... so IGNORE the fact that this is in fact another singing video- HOWEVER the focus is entirely on my man cub! So here it is AAAANddd... ignore my singing. :)

When Tired Takes Over

Life is exhausting and I would like a break. Just a few days. I'm not in a place where that is an option right now. And it sucks. Sometimes we have to let it suck and linger for a while - but it sucks. Tired has taken over. That's just where I am.

Summer Body Blues

Every year in April, I find myself franticly trying to shape up and lean out my perpetually out of shape body. I'm talking - thought consuming, calorie counting - frantic. It tears me apart to think that I have to bare parts of my body that I NEVER want to bare to the general public... this is in no way limited to wearing a bathing suit, my friend! Shorts, tank tops, sleeveless dresses.... this is all HORRIFYING to me!! No joke. Needless to say: I am continually asking myself "Am I good enough?". I would even go as far to state that I cannot let myself feel beautiful unless I have reached my goal. This, my friend, is a lie.

The earthly standard of beauty, barely skims the surface of what beauty truly is! I have to remind myself that beauty is not a figure, sharp features or olive toned skin - BEAUTY IS LOVE. Beauty comes from within and bursts into light! It resonates in our words and seeps out of our pores. It comforts. It protects. It strengthens and uplifts!

Let that sit with you as we quickly approach this season of summer - bathing suits and all. I want to tell you that I will continue working out, but I will not let it consume me! Health is the goal - not "beauty".

Thanks for joining me in my random, profound thought! I sure know how to lather on the cheese factor, no?!

"Tiger Mountain Peasant Song" cover by yours truely!

Okay, this is super nerdy. But that's how I roll... probably a first and a last for me. But I had the urge to sing and post; so here ya go!! Enjoy, and please make fun ALL you want!!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

break dancing

He makes my heart happy!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

birthday fun

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Trey dancing

We had a lot of fun today at the Rainforest Cafe! Happy birthday little man!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6