Thursday, September 26, 2013

titleless. raw.

I don't want it. I absolutely do not want to date. I don't think it's fun at all. I suck at small talk. I share heavy things right away. Part of me is hoping to scare {figurative} you away. Because, if {figurative} you is not serious- I don't want it.

I "joined" last spring for a one month trial. Aaaand I hated it. Obvi.  I don't like it for so many reasons- but the biggest reason is how authentic it is NOT. You are not a real person. You are a profile. You're religious. You're divorced. You're widowed. You're athletic. You're packing a few extra pounds. You're tall or short. You're only interested if this profile claims a yearly income of over X amount of dollars. I. Hate. It. Either that or you're bio is completely overlooked because of the photos you've posted- good or bad. Could go either way. {for the record- I shut it down. I couldn't do it anymore.}

I don't want to live underneath any of these labels. And it sucks. Because I do. We all do. I'm the girl who dropped out of high school and got pregnant. I'm the girl that's raising her two boys- boys who have different fathers- alone. The girl that has a hard time saying that she's widowed because her and her husband were separated for a year and a half before the accident. But she says it anyway, because it would weird to say anything different. But it's still weird to say. The girl who, at the very moment that she heard about the accident, had instant regrets of how she handled her marriage. The girl that writes blog posts about uncomfortable things that people maybe don't want to read! The girl who, literally, walked out of the 3rd crossfit class that she had ever taken and never looked back. I don't want it. I don't want any of these things to define me- but to some, they do. 

I just want life to be more organic than that. I want people to be genuine with me. I just want to be known as a person. A girl who's broken in some areas and strong in others. I want to learn things from other people, but only if they're ready to share. Not forced. I want it to be raw- not scripted. I'm open with people about tough stuff because I feel like making myself vulnerable makes me human. I want to hang out with people because I enjoy their company- and I want that to be reciprocated.....

That's all I've got. Thanks for reading!!