show me how to love like You have loved me

I know that one day God will bless me with a partner in this life.

I know that there will be prospects and that I have been given the gift of discernment for a reason. I have been given freedom of choice, like everyone else- and I know that loving someone isn't about a feeling, but about making a choice. I think that over the past several months, through different people, God is showing me who I truly desire that person to be. Not showing me as in, "I can point him out to you- his name is Allen...". He's slowly revealing to me the qualities and character of the man that I want to choose to spend my days with- and I hope and pray that he'll want to choose me, too!

I was at dinner with a good friend not too long ago, and he said something to me that struck a chord deep in my heart. He said something that I will not soon forget. Something that I will hold close and place near the very top of my "check list" of what I want in a partner.

I had just finished telling this friend that sometimes I think that I'm ready to find that person- but when there's "real" potential {probably mostly imagined potential...} I freeze up. I create a barrier because I'm terrified that this potential person- after putting time and energy into a deep meaningful relationship- will decide to stop loving me. I'm terrified of being left alone.

We've both had a fair amount of heartache in this life, and we both know what it is to be truly broken- so when he said what he did- I know it to be genuine.

My friend first told me that we're designed for companionship. It's part of the process to becoming like minded. God created relationships so we could become more like Him- giving us the opportunity to daily choose to love. Even when we don't feel it. He told me that I was not made to parent on my own. That does not mean that it can't be done. There are so many people that have done it, and are doing it alone! But parenthood was not designed for one.

A little further into the conversation he told me how his experience of heartache had a ripple effect on almost every relationship that he had built over the course of his entire adult life. Relationships that he had once thought would not be effected beyond repair were now a memory. And then, this. What he said next was so simple, but I will never forget how raw and genuine his words were. He said something like this, "When I hear that my friends are splitting up- I get sad. I can't explain it. Inside I ache because I know. I know that it doesn't only effect the two that are splitting- it divides everyone. It just makes me sad."

That. I want that kind of a man. One that takes on the character of God. I want someone that practices stepping outside of himself to look at the bigger picture.

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Show me how to love like You have loved me."

It's something that I've known all along- that I desire to be with someone with a heart that seeks God. But hearing what was said with the emotion behind it helped me to realize that God does have that kind of a person for me. And that there are men out there that are actively pursuing a life that pleases God. A life rooted in love. He's out there. I know it.

titleless. raw.

I don't want it. I absolutely do not want to date. I don't think it's fun at all. I suck at small talk. I share heavy things right away. Part of me is hoping to scare {figurative} you away. Because, if {figurative} you is not serious- I don't want it.

I "joined" match.com last spring for a one month trial. Aaaand I hated it. Obvi.  I don't like it for so many reasons- but the biggest reason is how authentic it is NOT. You are not a real person. You are a profile. You're religious. You're divorced. You're widowed. You're athletic. You're packing a few extra pounds. You're tall or short. You're only interested if this profile claims a yearly income of over X amount of dollars. I. Hate. It. Either that or you're bio is completely overlooked because of the photos you've posted- good or bad. Could go either way. {for the record- I shut it down. I couldn't do it anymore.}

I don't want to live underneath any of these labels. And it sucks. Because I do. We all do. I'm the girl who dropped out of high school and got pregnant. I'm the girl that's raising her two boys- boys who have different fathers- alone. The girl that has a hard time saying that she's widowed because her and her husband were separated for a year and a half before the accident. But she says it anyway, because it would weird to say anything different. But it's still weird to say. The girl who, at the very moment that she heard about the accident, had instant regrets of how she handled her marriage. The girl that writes blog posts about uncomfortable things that people maybe don't want to read! The girl who, literally, walked out of the 3rd crossfit class that she had ever taken and never looked back. I don't want it. I don't want any of these things to define me- but to some, they do. 

I just want life to be more organic than that. I want people to be genuine with me. I just want to be known as a person. A girl who's broken in some areas and strong in others. I want to learn things from other people, but only if they're ready to share. Not forced. I want it to be raw- not scripted. I'm open with people about tough stuff because I feel like making myself vulnerable makes me human. I want to hang out with people because I enjoy their company- and I want that to be reciprocated.....

That's all I've got. Thanks for reading!!

This life. (begun January '13 || completed August '13)

This life will never be easy. Everyday, we're faced with new challenges. Sometimes our struggles are temporary, a one time deal. Other times, the struggle repeats itself over and over again. It manifests in different, yet strikingly similar ways until we can learn from it and move forward. I'm in one of those repetitive movements. My challenge is {and I'm fairly certain often will be} learning to be content where ever I am in life. The grass will always be greener on the other side, no? But I want... And I feel like this would be good... And I need... And... Oh and... And... When really, I don't. It doesn't matter what it is- I don't. It won't. Just. Be. Content.

For some bazaar reason, recently I've tried to project what my future may hold.  It's bazaar for two reasons- one: because I'm not in any way a planner. And two: I am well aware that expectation is the root of all heart ache. It seems like an easy concept to grasp until you're in a situation that has gone in the complete opposite direction you were hoping. I've learned this many times over. But here's something that I've held onto as history has repeated itself in my life:

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24

This brings me so much comfort. Because of his love for me, I don't have to be consumed by the trivial struggles of this life. I can focus on being love. I can focus on being content. I know that I'm taken care of, no matter what. I can say that I know he has a plan. I have NO idea what that plan is but I know it's a plan that's best for me, and for my boys. A plan that is far better than anything I could even dream. He's not finished with me yet. The story is only just beginning to unfold.

ritual.

Here I am. So much on my mind, yet unable to actually SAY anything. This is an attempt to get IT out of my head and into cyberland- because we all know- once it's there, a girl can rest easy. Or I'll just sit here until I get sleepy, practicing the ritual of: Type... backspace. Type... backspace. Repeat.

I would say that today, I am still struggling to trust. I am still struggling to be content.

I want so badly to be in a place where I know that God's plan is perfect. And to trust that His timing is more amazing than my own. I mean- these things I know- but I want to own them and walk confidently with that knowledge. I want to believe with my whole heart that there ARE far greater things ahead than any we leave behind.

I feel like there's a lot going on right now. {type... backspace... type... backspace...} A lot that makes it feel unlikely that the road ahead will be any different or easier than the one behind me.

For now- until I can make sense of anything happening in my life- I'll find comfort in the clicking of my keyboard. Type... backspace... Type... backspace...   ...   ...   ... 

That's all I've got.

anonymous musings from the apartment on level three

This was sent to me a few nights back, from a very dear friend. I asked this friend if I could anonymously blog it for her and she said, "Of course!". She had sat down with a pen in her hand, in attempt to chip away at a pen and ink series that she's currently working on- and this came out instead. The transparent writings, that seem all to familiar to emotions that we have all felt at one time or another. 

"Sometimes We're Broken And We Don't Know Why."

This could not be any more true to the way that I am. What has broken me? I have the most loving family. I have surrounded myself with people who know me truly; They know my strengths. My flaws. They know what I love, who I love. What makes me happiest and what triggers self destruction.

I have things. I have money. I have house plants and mugs of tea. I have a tiny apartment, with red walls and unfinished hardwood floors. A quilt on the bed, a mattress and records on the floor.

Where I once welcomed the silence of this third floor oasis, I now dread the thought of unlocking the door to these things. Because up here, things are all I have.

What is it i'm searching for? Maybe once I figure that out, I can set myself in the right direction. I've looked everywhere. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Work. Money. Other people. I can't quite figure out what is missing. But, I feel like the broken toy at the garage sale. The one that seems really cool until you take it home and try to play with it, only to realize that it is broken. Irreparable. What are you doing buying toys at a garage sale, anyways?

Until I find this evasive missing link, I will continue to convince myself that everything is fine up here, watching the sunset from my tiny apartment. Clutching my tea mug for dear life, since it's the only thing that has yet to let me down.

i have so much i want to say, but this'll do for now

Letting people into my world is something that I have a difficult time doing. 

I'm good at telling my story. I'm good at removing the emotion from the words. I'm good at that, and I don't think that's, well... good. 

You see, I have this fear of being hurt. I fear that if I let my guard down, people will see me for the hodge podge mess that I am. I fear they'll decide my life isn't for them to invest in. I fear that if my reality alters their reality- in any way- I'm the one to blame. I fear that it'll be held against me at some point, maybe even years down the road. 

I am afraid of feeling vulnerable. So, I don't. 

I'm at a crossroads. 

Relationships. They are about being transparent. About being a real person. Authentic and vulnerable.  They're about investing TIME and ENERGY. They're about tearing down the facade. Iron sharpens iron, no? It's about living intentionally. Loving well. 

I'm wrestling with some stuff. I don't quite know how, but I'm working my way out of this box.

To: Josh

Soo, it's been a year and a half(two days ago) and not a day has gone by that Trey hasn't talked about you. He's so curious to know you as well as he possibly can. He'll do something that makes me laugh and says, "Did my daddy do that, too??" with a giant grin on his face. He thinks motorcycles are awesome, but has a healthy fear of riding them. He is frickin' the FUNNIEST kid. He'll be in trouble - make a goofy face or say SOMETHING hilarious- I'll try not to laugh and in a crazy voice, he'll say, "It worked.". You would get the biggest kick out of who he's becoming! He's JUST like you. A mini Josh.

He's learning to cope with not having you here. It's not easy, but we're getting into a rhythm. As difficult as it is- his sweet heart knows that you're COMPLETELY out of pain. No more back pain, no more achy screws in your knees- although, you could always tell when a storm was coming! Haa. I've told Trey about how your knees would ache. He wants that "power" someday. Don't worry, I told him it wasn't fun to have achy, hardware filled joints! I only know because of what I had experienced vicariously, through you.

Trey wants to be Batman when he's a grown up. Just something I thought you should know. He wants to defeat bad guys, like Joker and Harley. (he plays Batman 2 on his DS. Like a pro) He still loves Scooby Doo and STILL has the Scooby Doo costume that he wore on your last Halloween (2010) together. Sometimes he even begs me to put it on him. Ahahaha! It's funny because he's a GIANT 4(almost 5)yr old. It didn't even fit him a year and a half ago, when we picked it up from the little house. A little perspective for you, an 8year old from church had a birthday party last week and I realized that Trey stands about an inch taller than him. Crazy. Jake is 8, too. He and Trey are *almost*, but not quite, eye to eye. He's gonna be a beast.

Anytime the Seahawks come up in conversation, he talks about the time you took him to a game. He also tells me that he wants to be a Seahawk when he's older. He wants everybody to watch him play. I'm not sure how I feel about contact sports, though...(the injury thing). I *know*. Stop being such a mom! I can't help it! I don't want to watch my baby suffer concussions, BROKEN NOSES(that was your thing), punctured lungs... No thanks. Instead, I'll just tell him stories of you jumping out of 20ft tree's onto trampolines and SIMULTANEOUSLY breaking your nose and knocking yourself out. I'll tell him stories of how you would convince your mom to buy your favorite chips at the grocery store by POPPING the bag so she would have to. I'll tell him stories of your ability to make ANY line from any movie hysterical. I'll tell him how you would make up songs for him to try and calm him down when he was fussy. I'll tell him how you would call him your sweet buddy boy. And I'll tell him how your face would light up when you'd look at him. How he was your absolute, most favorite person in this ENTIRE world. And you were very much his. You still are. A year and a half later, we are here. We are learning to cope, but you are still very much a part of our lives. We're moving on, but NOT without you. So much love.