LOUD NOISES. {I don't know. I just didn't feel like thinking of something serious.}

Here I am. Once again - feeling like the lesson of my life is to learn to TRUST. A five letter word that seems impossible to wholly grasp. 

I've foolishly trusted. I've withheld trust. I've questioned trust. I'm hard pressed to find the formula to trust without reserve. I have been through pain. It's a feeling I know all too well - and I don't like it. {shocking, right?!} And the logic is that protecting what has been hurt is the only way to avoid more pain, no? I read an article this week speaking to the particular kind of trust that's at work in my life. You can read it HERE if you're interested. {It's worth it} This article told me to 'go all in for love'. Why the HELL would I do that?? I've tried that. It has only brought me pain. Hmm... the truth is that I've gone 'all in' for humanity. I haven't practiced going all in for the one that created me.  

 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

I don't know about your trust issues, but mine are driven by my fear. The fear that I will get hurt again. The fear that I'm not enough. The fear that I'm too much. The fear that I don't look the part. The fear that I'm not smart enough. The list goes on. Love and trust is NOT meant to be fearful. It is meant to be whole and pure. We are designed to love and trust our savior FIRST - and all else will fall into place. When I can finally do that - when I can trust Him completely with every part of my life, only then will I be able to love others the way God has designed me to. I want you to know, that even as I sit here with my giant cup o' joe, writing this - I can't wrap my brain around it. Perfect love drives out fear... Is it even possible to achieve 'perfect love'? Well no, not for us. But God loves us with pure and perfect love. Jesus set the tone by coming to earth as an example of how we should live. 

 “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:42). His whole life was dedicated to making us whole; He loved us with His mind, body, heart and strength so that we might also be able to love wholly.

Even when he knew that he was going to be murdered, He prayed to God, 'Yet not as I will, but as you will.'  Man - I'm not there, friends. That is the perfect example of trust. 

I tend to worry and 'future trip' - if you will. I let my mind race and get ahead of me. So for now, I will practice dealing with today. One step at a time. Trusting that God has a specific plan for my life. One even greater than I could imagine.

One thing is for certain - I know what I want, but knowing what I want and God's plan could be two VERY different things. Time will tell. {Or so I'm told. I'm going to trust that this tid bit is true. :)}

Knowing What's Right and Waiting With Fixed Eyes

Do you ever have the feeling that something is more than right, but you still have to wait? I have to say - when I take a step back, I KNOW that this will be worth the wait - but the waiting is not easy. I was reading Jesus Calling yesterday and this was the message:

I am above ALL things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of My Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.

Every time I open this app on my phone, it says exactly what I need to hear. That is not coincidence. Just thought I'd share. :)

fullness in the waiting

There is so much to be learned in waiting. I know that God is working in my heart and preparing me for what's to come - but I'm so anxious to get there. I guess when I finally release that sense of urgency, is when He'll bring me the desires of my heart. And when I say 'the desires of my heart' - I do not meant the fatty avocado bacon burger I've been craving for days. I mean REAL desires. To have the one I can build my life and grow old with. A home for my kids to grow up in. A dog, and a yard to weed. Bursting pipes and a flooding basement. Uprooted trees after ice storms... I want it all. - Side note: Seattle just had the biggest snow/ice storm since the 80's. Five days and two feet of snow - the ENTIRE city shut down... Pretty amazeballs. {It's important for you to know that I, in no way think that having this life will end my periods of waiting. Just to be clear.}I have been so anxious to move forward rather than enjoying where I am! Right now, I am right here. And although it is not the fullness that is to come - it's the fullness that is. And here is where I am supposed to be. Three months from now, life will likely look different than it does today. So I'm going forth, enjoying the moments I have. Loving the ones that are in my life and when the future comes, I will be ready to love it and to learn from it!

My Portion

My life is so unbelievably rich! I have so much to be thankful for. More than I really need. But I've fallen into the habit of looking at what other people have and desiring more. The grass is always greener, no?! I have two beautiful boys that I *adore*. The support of my amazingly, unique family. I'm part of an awesome church that I feel embraced by - but there is always something just out of reach that I want. Right now, that something is my 20's. I would love to know what it's like to be 25 and care free! To go to concerts without having to wake up at seven thirty the next morning. Or having to wake up - but with the freedom to take a three hour nap later in the day. I would love to take a spontaneous road trip, or book a flight to a random far off land and stay there until the money runs out! I would love all of those things - but that is not realistic! {obviously- laughable, really!}And I'm good with that! I am LEARNING and GROWING and fixing my eyes on things above - that's really the only place I'll find fulfillment for my desires! Knowing that there is a God that loves me and fits where that missing piece is. He is my portion.

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24

cherished

I met for coffee with a mom from my sons school today. She knew tid bits of my story from brief interactions on the playground as we'd watch our kids play. Yesterday, she asked me if we could grab coffee. I of course, said yes. It just so happened that we were both free this morning.

We met and this is what I received:

'Dear Angela,

These scriptures are yours from your Father.

Zeph 3:17

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty enough to save you. He will take great delight in you. The quietness of his love will calm you down. He will sing with joy because of you."

Isaiah 62:3 & 12

"You will be like a glorious crown in my strong hand. You will be like a royal crown in my powerful hand."

"They(she) will be called The Holy People. The Lord will set them(her) free. And Jerusalem(she) will be named The City the Lord Cares About. It(she) won't be deserted anymore."

Isaiah 61:10,11

"The people of Jerusalem will say, "We take great delight in the Lord. We are joyful because we belong to our God.

He has dressed us with salvation as if it were our clothes.

He has put robes of godliness on us. We are like a groom who is dressed up for his wedding.

We are like a bride who decorates herself with her jewels.

The soil makes the young plant come up. A garden causes seeds to grow. In the SAME way, the Lord and King will make godliness grow.

And all of the nations will praise him."

The Lord delights in you, Angela, as a groom delights in his bride.

He cherishes you!

You are a gift to him.

Let his loving arms continue to hold you close to his heart- YOU are cherished.

<3 Jesus'

As this fellow mom was reading this scripture to me, I was in tears. She barely knows me and certainly doesn't know what I've been feeling for the last few months - how? Just, how?

THIS is how I know the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. In my boys lives. In my waiting. In my hurting.

Remarkable. I am so encouraged. My heart is flourishing. It's one thing to read it in a book, but to have someone say, "This is what the Lord has prompted me to tell you." I am blown away. PTL for being SO good. For cherishing me. For delighting in ME!! PTL

Wait

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord." I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet THIS I call to mind, and therefore I have HOPE: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:17-24

answers

There are times where I wonder why certain things take place. Why does that need to be 'given' and then just as quickly 'taken'. I can not, for the life of me, understand. It may build character - however, if I could be done character building for a bit, that would be RAD.

Lord, help me to be content. Mold me into what you intend for me to be. Help me to fix my eyes on YOU!

The end.