Thursday, May 10, 2012

my heart.

Sometimes, things happen that are out of our control. Things that lead us to tough decisions that need to be made. Sometimes, it seems trivial -- a little bit pointless. Sometimes, we feel thrown off by the way life plays out, no? I'm for sure in one of those seasons right now.

God puts people in our lives at different times, for different reasons. Before Josh passed away - and after we had been separated for well over a year - I met someone that made me smile, had similar interests as I did, we shared a faith and a passion for loving people for who they are... yada, yada, yada. (The stuff you don't really want to hear.) Needless to say, I grew quite fond of him very quickly. We only talked here and there for a while, but a couple months after Josh passed away, we became somewhat close. Over a short period of time our connection grew stronger, as our friendship deepened. He became someone that I could trust and really talk to if I needed - or even if I didn't want to talk, he was someone I could just be with to make it a little brighter. He would sometimes call me and take me on random adventures, burger runs, often to concerts, even putt putt golf(okay that was a one time deal). He called the store I worked at on my last day to wish me well. At that point, I knew that it wasn't by chance we had met. We never officially dated, and there was a mostly unspoken understanding that he couldn't be with me at this point in his life. Looking back, it kills me to think about. Every time we would get together, I'd think to myself, Maybe this is the day that he'll decide he wants to give it a go, or things like, I know he loves me, he just needs time to work through some things. He'll get there, I just need to give him time.  Month after month, I would feel the same. I would start to feel like it wasn't fair and then I'd remind myself that God's timing is perfect. No matter how anxious I would feel, I'd remember to turn to Him and TRUST(that word again) that He had a handle on my life. I felt as long as God was impressing on my heart to wait, I would wait. So I did. And after a period of waiting, praying, and trusting, the outcome is not how I wanted it to look. I waited until I felt God telling me to move forward. I had to tell this man that I fell in love with that I could no longer wait to be chosen from the dating pool as "the one". My intent was to never give an ultimatum. I intend on guarding my heart from breaking completely. I don't think that God intends for us to live in limbo. I believe we were made for companionship. My heart couldn't take being in limbo anymore and I feel like I was told to get out. Yes, my hearts a little bruised for now, but things that are bruised heal if we don't continue poking and prodding. All this time, I've felt like the hurt was out of my control - I would think, WHY did you bring this person to me only to keep him at arms length?! WHY am I feeling the way that I do for someone that You're going to take away?! A good friend said to me today, "God is not blind sided by the events of our life." And you know what? She's absolutely right. He knows what he's doing. I need to trust GOD with my heart. I need to FULLY give it to Him before He'll bring me to that divine person. I will continue to pray for wisdom, patience and peace as I carry on, loving the crap outa' my boys, and becoming the woman God intends for me to be! Live intentionally. Love well. 

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