processing slowly.

I am still, slowly learning to "trust the process" as well as Gods timing. I have no idea what He has up His sleeve for my little family-- but I know it's what's best for us. The process is grueling, but I think it has potential to be worth it. I could be way off. I'm choosing to stay optimistic! He'll bring me someone that REALLY wants to PURSUE me. Just me. Someone that will love me with every ounce of his being. Someone that will love my boys as if they were his. Someone that's willing to walk along side me everyday no matter what kind of crazy happens. My life is unique and NOT simple. It's going to take a special kind of person to embrace the quirks. {yep, I'm exhausted and trying to convince myself that this is all possible. Knew you'd catch on. Delirious Angela is writing-- coherent Ang will probably delete this tomorrow.}

"Far far greater things ahead than ANY we leave behind."

Trusting the process. Living intentionally. Loving WELL.

give me vision

Over and over, I am reminded that God is in control. Often, the reminder comes in times when I feel like an island.

The spirit of Christmas is upon us. I absolutely love this time of year. The air is FILLED with magic! The lights throughout the neighborhood, picking out the perfect tree, drinking hot spiced cider{with whiskey- duh}. There is an undeniable feeling of pure JOY that takes over in December.

However, there is always a "yin" to the "yang". The holiday's in our house, come with heavy hearts. As the decorations come out of the closets, we find them safely tucked away with the belongings of loved ones. Letters, ornaments, pictures, ball caps - even our classic Christmas movie collection is a heart wrenching reminder. SO much of what once was, and what will never be again. Someone told me that the second year would be harder than the first. They were right.

My heart aches. It aches because I want to protect my kids from the pain they feel. I just want to be able to tell them that everything will be alright, and actually have it FEEL alright. To me, nothing of their little lives seems fair. A lot of the unfair is my own, selfish fault -- but the most recent of which was completely out of my control. I daily have to remind myself, that even in THIS- God has a plan. HE is in control. Especially when I'm feeling like an island. Isolated.

I've learned that in times such as this, He is teaching me the most. This is when He is making me into the woman that He has designed me to be.

This lyric resonates in my mind as I type:

"God I look to you, I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. You're where my help comes from. Give me wisdom -- you know just what to do."

I don't have a happy, "and then the bright Christmas light appeared making everything dandy" ending for this one, yet. I'm still an island. But I'm choosing to be a content island. I am content. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do.

Timing is Everything. Balance is Key.

Balance, like a peacock in the wind. So important. HA.

I know that God has such a great man for me. I just know it. What I am learning is that I haven't met him because it's not the right time. I need to keep reminding myself that I won't have to push to make it work. When I meet him, our lives will just fit. Like a puzzle piece. He'll want to make time to spend with the boys and I - doing things that we do on the daily. It'll just work. It won't be forced or uncomfortable. The truth is, I have this full time "job" at home. I'm busy with my kiddo's all day. It's both physically and emotionally draining! By the time evening comes around, and normal people my age get off work to do what they do - I'm ready for bed. It's hard enough to make it out for my growth group once a week! Dating is burning the candle at both ends, to me. So sorry, but I don't want to touch it with at 20ft pole. I've tried before, and it just doesn't work. One area of my life, or another ends up being neglected. I love going to concerts (something that I will still occasionally do -- meeeh... at least once a month...) and I love hanging out with friends (another thing that I will continue doing...), but the bars and the singles life is not for this mama! Also, I'm not that great with small talk... I'm either real awkward talking about the weather or food... or I'm real awkward and jump into heavy conversation. Which isn't nearly as welcome as I would *hope*. Really, a lose/lose situation! I just know what I'm looking for - and I'm getting my priorities in line! This girl's on a mission to find, what I like to call balance! By building boundaries and sticking to them. Because I will have healthy relationships. Oh, yes. I will. }}now I'm dropping the mic{{

Tunnel Vision?? Nah, I Just Need to Get it Off My Chest.

Eclectic.

My life has been less than conventional, wouldn't you say?! Well, my dating life would be equally as eclectic, in many ways.

If I am going to date someone -- I have GOT to see where my boys and I fit into their life. I can't be going out 4 nights a week. I can't date someone that has every second of his time filled with activities. My kids and I have a routine(kids need that). My kids pay attention to when I go somewhere. They pay attention to when I come home. They notice when I'm feeling off, or sad. Dating - That. Seems. Impossible. And I'm sure this sounds oh so trivial. But this is what I'm thinking about right now, and it just seems impossible. {No - this is not all I think about. But right now, I need an outlet. I apologize for spilling this on you.} I don't even know if I'm there. I might not be ready for dating. That's a scary thing. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 5 years. I don't know how this works. My life is: food, laundry, school, sleep - repeat. I guess if I were to start 'officially dating' (which I won't anytime soon) I would start off with a one night out a week, thing. If I feel like he meets my criteria -- maybe I'd introduce him to my kids. He would have to be really amazing and God would have to be telling me that this guy's worth hanging around.

And release.

process

One of my friends posted to Facebook today, "Trusting the process...". This statement is so rich and wise. I'm learning to trust the process that God has laid out for me. The path is narrow, and it's so easy to get sidetracked. I've said it before, but I'm so used to taking matters into my own hands and making decisions that in hindsight I "regret", to some extent of the word. I do not regret the process and I do not regret where I am because of my decisions -- I regret not letting God take the reigns. I regret stepping on the people I did because of my selfish desire to figure out my plan on my own. I regret feeling broken, and isolating myself because I thought I could fare without. But boy, I so do not regret what I know now. The last year has been difficult - and I am so thankful that He's not finished with me. Far greater things ahead than the things we leave behind, right C.S. Lewis?

donut monday

Okay, so this weekend was so great. I was So. Busy. And there is no doubt that I am exhausted.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and my boys woke me up with the best snuggles and cards a mama could ask for. The day, as every Sunday does, started bright and early and didn't end until midnight! {I feel like this is becoming a trend for my weekends, but this weekend was exciting!} We went to church, lunched with my family, took a quick nap and went down to an Irish pub in Ballard to watch my brother sing at his first open mic! My boys and I are so blessed.

Here are a handful of pictures I snapped along the way!

Trey made the card. So sweet. And Jake saw this Hallmark flower on TV and HAD to have it for me. My heart is full.

Conor Byrne Pub in Ballard

On to TODAY...

Lots of sunshine and TONS of water. I could stay outside all day when the weather's like this.

Books {and more water} after a long day in the sun!

Clearly exhausted.

AND I'm wiped out... Although - somehow, I've managed to muster up the  energy to watch The Bachelorette... 

 The pictures are better than my tired mama words can convey! CHEERS!!

saturday

This morning I ran my first 5K! What a great feeling. There's something about running outside that wipes out all the anxiety pent up in the pit of my stomach. And to be running with other people, for such a powerful cause - for sure feeling blessed. I'm reminded daily that life is about so much more than our current struggles. If you've been on this (somewhat serious) journey with me, you've probably realized that *my* struggle is being able to let God guide me. Power struggle, if you will! I'm learning that if something or someone is meant to be in my life - God will make a way. Without a doubt! I know this is true, regardless of how often I wrestle with it.

After the run, the man cubs and I met my good friend at my favorite park in the entire world. It was the perfect day to be exploring in the Pacific Northwest. The tide was out and the sound was teaming with LIFE! Right at our fingertips - this is the best way to learn about nature. We (the boys and our friend, not I) dug up clams, we found a handful of baby starfish, about a million popcorn crabs AND I skipped my first rock!! I've never been able to do that! After exploring marine life, we went (back) up to the play ground and the boys made "sand angels" in the sand/dirt pit. They were covered in dirt and Lord knows what else...This week of decision making and to be honest, sadness, has ended on a great note. Tomorrow is Mothers Day and I am happy with the gift of love my boys have given me. They are amazing. Celebrate your mothers well this weekend.

my heart.

Sometimes, things happen that are out of our control. Things that lead us to tough decisions that need to be made. Sometimes, it seems trivial -- a little bit pointless. Sometimes, we feel thrown off by the way life plays out, no? I'm for sure in one of those seasons right now.

God puts people in our lives at different times, for different reasons. Before Josh passed away - and after we had been separated for well over a year - I met someone that made me smile, had similar interests as I did, we shared a faith and a passion for loving people for who they are... yada, yada, yada. (The stuff you don't really want to hear.) Needless to say, I grew quite fond of him very quickly. We only talked here and there for a while, but a couple months after Josh passed away, we became somewhat close. Over a short period of time our connection grew stronger, as our friendship deepened. He became someone that I could trust and really talk to if I needed - or even if I didn't want to talk, he was someone I could just be with to make it a little brighter. He would sometimes call me and take me on random adventures, burger runs, often to concerts, even putt putt golf(okay that was a one time deal). He called the store I worked at on my last day to wish me well. At that point, I knew that it wasn't by chance we had met. We never officially dated, and there was a mostly unspoken understanding that he couldn't be with me at this point in his life. Looking back, it kills me to think about. Every time we would get together, I'd think to myself, Maybe this is the day that he'll decide he wants to give it a go, or things like, I know he loves me, he just needs time to work through some things. He'll get there, I just need to give him time.  Month after month, I would feel the same. I would start to feel like it wasn't fair and then I'd remind myself that God's timing is perfect. No matter how anxious I would feel, I'd remember to turn to Him and TRUST(that word again) that He had a handle on my life. I felt as long as God was impressing on my heart to wait, I would wait. So I did. And after a period of waiting, praying, and trusting, the outcome is not how I wanted it to look. I waited until I felt God telling me to move forward. I had to tell this man that I fell in love with that I could no longer wait to be chosen from the dating pool as "the one". My intent was to never give an ultimatum. I intend on guarding my heart from breaking completely. I don't think that God intends for us to live in limbo. I believe we were made for companionship. My heart couldn't take being in limbo anymore and I feel like I was told to get out. Yes, my hearts a little bruised for now, but things that are bruised heal if we don't continue poking and prodding. All this time, I've felt like the hurt was out of my control - I would think, WHY did you bring this person to me only to keep him at arms length?! WHY am I feeling the way that I do for someone that You're going to take away?! A good friend said to me today, "God is not blind sided by the events of our life." And you know what? She's absolutely right. He knows what he's doing. I need to trust GOD with my heart. I need to FULLY give it to Him before He'll bring me to that divine person. I will continue to pray for wisdom, patience and peace as I carry on, loving the crap outa' my boys, and becoming the woman God intends for me to be! Live intentionally. Love well. 

That Word Again: TRUST

I find myself continually reminding myself to trust that God has a plan for my life - and that where He has me right now is precisely where He wants me to be. I feel like I'm constantly asking for peace and guidance, and he is constantly telling me that He's got this. He IS carrying me {and my precious boys}through what is uncertain to me.

Something that's amazing... Ready for this?! What is uncertain to me is 100% CERTAIN to God. He knows how my life will turn out - who I will end up growing old with, and the kind of men that my boys will be when they grow up. He knows where I will be in the next few months, and in the coming years.

For now, I need to focus on today and being the woman that he intends for me to be. I need to focus on putting my faith in Him. 100% committing to something that I am not 100% certain of. FAITH. TRUST.

For now, I will continue to pray for wisdom, patience and peace.

love

Love is PATIENT, love is KIND. It does not ENVY, it does not BOAST, it is not PROUD. It is not RUDE, it is not SELF-SEEKING, it is not EASILY ANGERED, it keeps no RECORD of WRONGS. Love does not DELIGHT in EVIL but REJOICES with the TRUTH. It always PROTECTS, always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always PERSEVERES. 

I want to be all that is LOVE. I'm a work in progress!! I find that I'm so good at focusing on my circumstances -- what I don't have and what I desire. If I fix my eyes on God and focus on being and spreading LOVE -- I know that He'll bless my life! My new plan is to be thankful for the many blessings that I so often take for granted INSTEAD of living in a pity party! 

I'm EXCITED about the way God is working in my life. Bring. It. 

*show me how to love like you have loved me*

LOUD NOISES. {I don't know. I just didn't feel like thinking of something serious.}

Here I am. Once again - feeling like the lesson of my life is to learn to TRUST. A five letter word that seems impossible to wholly grasp. 

I've foolishly trusted. I've withheld trust. I've questioned trust. I'm hard pressed to find the formula to trust without reserve. I have been through pain. It's a feeling I know all too well - and I don't like it. {shocking, right?!} And the logic is that protecting what has been hurt is the only way to avoid more pain, no? I read an article this week speaking to the particular kind of trust that's at work in my life. You can read it HERE if you're interested. {It's worth it} This article told me to 'go all in for love'. Why the HELL would I do that?? I've tried that. It has only brought me pain. Hmm... the truth is that I've gone 'all in' for humanity. I haven't practiced going all in for the one that created me.  

 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

I don't know about your trust issues, but mine are driven by my fear. The fear that I will get hurt again. The fear that I'm not enough. The fear that I'm too much. The fear that I don't look the part. The fear that I'm not smart enough. The list goes on. Love and trust is NOT meant to be fearful. It is meant to be whole and pure. We are designed to love and trust our savior FIRST - and all else will fall into place. When I can finally do that - when I can trust Him completely with every part of my life, only then will I be able to love others the way God has designed me to. I want you to know, that even as I sit here with my giant cup o' joe, writing this - I can't wrap my brain around it. Perfect love drives out fear... Is it even possible to achieve 'perfect love'? Well no, not for us. But God loves us with pure and perfect love. Jesus set the tone by coming to earth as an example of how we should live. 

 “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:42). His whole life was dedicated to making us whole; He loved us with His mind, body, heart and strength so that we might also be able to love wholly.

Even when he knew that he was going to be murdered, He prayed to God, 'Yet not as I will, but as you will.'  Man - I'm not there, friends. That is the perfect example of trust. 

I tend to worry and 'future trip' - if you will. I let my mind race and get ahead of me. So for now, I will practice dealing with today. One step at a time. Trusting that God has a specific plan for my life. One even greater than I could imagine.

One thing is for certain - I know what I want, but knowing what I want and God's plan could be two VERY different things. Time will tell. {Or so I'm told. I'm going to trust that this tid bit is true. :)}

Knowing What's Right and Waiting With Fixed Eyes

Do you ever have the feeling that something is more than right, but you still have to wait? I have to say - when I take a step back, I KNOW that this will be worth the wait - but the waiting is not easy. I was reading Jesus Calling yesterday and this was the message:

I am above ALL things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of My Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.

Every time I open this app on my phone, it says exactly what I need to hear. That is not coincidence. Just thought I'd share. :)

fullness in the waiting

There is so much to be learned in waiting. I know that God is working in my heart and preparing me for what's to come - but I'm so anxious to get there. I guess when I finally release that sense of urgency, is when He'll bring me the desires of my heart. And when I say 'the desires of my heart' - I do not meant the fatty avocado bacon burger I've been craving for days. I mean REAL desires. To have the one I can build my life and grow old with. A home for my kids to grow up in. A dog, and a yard to weed. Bursting pipes and a flooding basement. Uprooted trees after ice storms... I want it all. - Side note: Seattle just had the biggest snow/ice storm since the 80's. Five days and two feet of snow - the ENTIRE city shut down... Pretty amazeballs. {It's important for you to know that I, in no way think that having this life will end my periods of waiting. Just to be clear.}I have been so anxious to move forward rather than enjoying where I am! Right now, I am right here. And although it is not the fullness that is to come - it's the fullness that is. And here is where I am supposed to be. Three months from now, life will likely look different than it does today. So I'm going forth, enjoying the moments I have. Loving the ones that are in my life and when the future comes, I will be ready to love it and to learn from it!

My Portion

My life is so unbelievably rich! I have so much to be thankful for. More than I really need. But I've fallen into the habit of looking at what other people have and desiring more. The grass is always greener, no?! I have two beautiful boys that I *adore*. The support of my amazingly, unique family. I'm part of an awesome church that I feel embraced by - but there is always something just out of reach that I want. Right now, that something is my 20's. I would love to know what it's like to be 25 and care free! To go to concerts without having to wake up at seven thirty the next morning. Or having to wake up - but with the freedom to take a three hour nap later in the day. I would love to take a spontaneous road trip, or book a flight to a random far off land and stay there until the money runs out! I would love all of those things - but that is not realistic! {obviously- laughable, really!}And I'm good with that! I am LEARNING and GROWING and fixing my eyes on things above - that's really the only place I'll find fulfillment for my desires! Knowing that there is a God that loves me and fits where that missing piece is. He is my portion.

Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions NEVER fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
Lamentations 3:22-24